There are so many different OCD themes out there, and not that it’s something to be proud of but I have suffered them pretty much all. Currently though, my highest OCD theme struggles are Contamination, Just Right and Scrupulosity.  Weirdly, they all mesh together too. 

Tonight my 4 year old toddler, Lucas decided he was ready to potty train. Immediately I felt my stomach drop. Now before you judge me as a horrible mom, YES I am proud of my son and of course I am happy that he is finally potty training! But I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t also deeply miserable about it and terrified. 

I currently struggle using the restroom myself because I am terrified of bodily fluids like urine and feces. Having contamination and just right OCD makes something as simple and natural as pooping and peeing a huge ordeal with endless compulsions and my hands left sore from so much washing with hot water. Sometimes I even end up in an immediate shower or AT LEAST washing my feet then wiping the floor area where I wiped my bum. Not to mention the endless toilet paper I use, plus wipes to ensure that I have NO poop smear left in the paper. Of course this leaves my butt crack bleeding because I over wipe. But I don’t care, since the priority lies in removing my poop 100% and being “clean and spotless” like new. 

Sure at the end of all the endless compulsions I feel accomplished and best of all, clean and “just right”. But that is one of the traps OCD has. It makes you believe that the compulsions are the answer, and the compulsions will bring the peace and happiness you need to “move on” with your day. But it’s fake. Because the reality is, you don’t move on….you actually end up creating more steps and more hard work on yourself. And worse of all, you end up so depleted of energy because it was all wasted on the compulsions and getting rid of the endless ruminations. So sometimes instead of moving on, you move backwards, and deep in a hole and each time you do more compulsions, you dig deeper. :/

Take me for example. In a bad pooping session when my ocd is super flared which is 98% of the time I go poop; I throw away my underwear, I repeatedly wash my feet and hands, I close to finish a brand new toilet paper roll (and the brand name ones, so they are HUGE), plus almost finish a brand new Pampers baby wipes since I use it to cover the toilet seat and wipe myself, and use it to flush. I have extra dirty clothes for the laundry leaving me with barely anything to wear (so sometimes I’m naked in my apartment alone forced to wait on my washer to finish to get dressed) I’ve gotten so tired of wasting money on underwear and just throwing them away that I have been using the ALWAYS discreet disposable underwear right now :/

Tell me, how is this genuine peace and happiness? I just created more misery by creating a whole new set of barriers  and unnecessary steps making my life more complicated. That fake peace OCD thought it was offering me, just left me worst off. 

Now how am I supposed to do all of that with my son?! I cant!! It would be cruel! He doesn’t deserve to live a life trapped and enslaved to endless compulsions. He’s my baby. My light. My everything. So what does this mean?There is only one way out: Treatment and recovery.