Today is the first time I intentionally set time apart for myself. It feels so unnatural especially when OCD is still roaring in the background. It is crazy though how much of a difference it does to actively practice self compassion. It is so nice and relieving to know that I DON’T have to listen to the loud demands of OCD. 

For example, originally I had set out to go to HEB first to buy a couple things which if I am being honest is part of my compulsive nature because I always buy new things over and over and instead of buying in large quantities, I feel “safer” buying individual amounts; satisfying my OCD’s hunger but making it more complicated for me in the long run and just overall drained and miserable. But as part of my exposure therapy today, I am doing things in different order. Yea, lets piss off that OCD bitch.

I decided to just YOLO, and NOT go buy these supposed things I feel I MUST get before I go out to my solo date.  I realistically reflected that I could make do with what I have right now, which is my new makeup I just bought yesterday from ULTA, my last new Always Discreet panty, toothpaste and toothbrush to brush my teeth, and clean laundry from yesterday. I did not see the need to add an extra step before going out other than satisfying the urge. 

My just right OCD however, is thinking differently. It is loudly trying to convince me that i HAVE  to go to HEB FIRST, buy all these things which I will probably end up spending around $50-$80, waste about an hour or hour and half, and deplete some energy that I could save to truly enjoy today as much as I can. I remembered my meditation from this morning. I heard a phrase in my mind: “keep it simple.” 

Remembering that phrase today made it easy and like a no brainer to just choose to not go to the senseless trip and instead make it simple on myself by just getting makeup on and getting ready to go out. It is so weird because I am writing this blog, and just overall taking time to pause to not IMMEDIATELY blindly follow what my just right ocd voice tells me, I realize and can see more and more how low my feelings of self worth and feeling deserving are. 

Compulsions are a way I punish myself because I feel that is what I deserve. This is the first time in about a year since I make time for myself and today it means getting as dolled as up as I can  (with what I have left over from my past throwing away),going to the art museum and getting myself some drinks. Today has been a big learning curve for me because It is very unnatural for me to see myself from a more loving perspective.

It feels highly uncomfortable  and just wrong to make my life simple, and choose fun things for myself. Struggling with my severe depression lately, leaves me even more depleted so I have to really choose wisely what I use my energy on, especially being a mom. And for years, I have been choosing to spend that energy on OCD compulsions but since I have been more active in my exposure therapy, today will be different. And from now on it will be different. No more energy spending on compulsions. 

Its not worth it. It keeps sucking life out of me and making me hate myself more and more. I wonder what would happen if I switch it up and instead coming from a self loathing perspective, I begin to practice more loving kindness on myself and STOP punishing myself and making my life more and more complicated by feeding my misery through these endless compulsions. I guess I will see! Only time will tell  and consistency in my recovery treatment plan. 

But I can tell you this, I can already see the effects of pushing myself in ERP and practicing more self compassion. I am not sure how to describe it but best way I can, is that I feel more space in my life, and overall more RELIEF. Relief from OCD grab. 

Now lets not get crazy, that doesn’t mean I am not fighting with the OCD feelings, because they are still here. For example as I write to you, I am dreading that I have to go pee, so I rather just pee in my always discreet. (dont judge me) I am also dreading and feel like bursting in tears to NOT throw out my bathroom trash before I go out. BUT in the spirit of ERP and recovery, I am not, I am just going to go to the toilet, and pee. And whatever comes up , I will deal with it, and just co-exist with it. Wether it is having some tiny compulsions like washing my feet after or wiping the floor but I am going to be kind to myself. 

You know, writing it out actually helps, because I am going to be honest with you I want to BOTH wipe my feet and wipe the floor after AND throw away the trash if I find gloves in my home. So I am just going to choose to do ONE instead of THREE compulsions. Now, I am not saying and promoting compulsions. I will post in a different one what I mean by that but for now, just listen to yourself. 

Only you know where you are in your recovery road and also only you know the depth of how severe your OCD is. Best way I can explain mine is that I have to weigh EVERYTHING going on in my life. I battle more than just OCD. I am severely depressed, grieving my husband and my boyfriend, have ADHD and healing from suicidal ideation. My OCD is so severe that I would say the compulsions would make about 90-100% of my day to day life. 

One of the frequent traps I fall into is being also OCD about my OCD treatment, and that never really got me far. I think this is the first time that I am noticing more lasting changes, and the biggest change I have made is that I have done realistic baby steps. Just enough to push myself in ERP and make my OCD cringe, but maybe not as drastic that I can’t keep up or can’t handle the HIGH anxiety and discomfort. Because as mentioned, I battle with suicidal ideation too. 

I have noticed lately when I really go all wild with ERP, my discomfort and anxiety and depression is SO much that it starts to dive into suicidal ideation. So I decided, for me, I need to really balance. And listen to my overall energy levels and just overall, like mentioned above, not punish myself. Looking at the bigger picture is really hard for us OCD sufferers, and that is what i am doing pretty much today. 

I am looking at the fact that I did not get in my car to waste a trip to the grocery store and waste my energy on that HUGE OCD compulsion. Thats a big change for me. And it already feels uncomfortable. So I am going to simultaneously be uncomfortable/suffer, AND do something fun and kind to myself.  **note, something else I am noticing is that I am not suffering, its the OCD that is suffering. 

Remember, we are NOT our OCD. We have just been living according to its rules SO much that it has become an identity. But we can break free. So in those moments of suffering during ERP, remember, its not you suffering, its your OCD monster suffering because you are challenging it and breaking away from it. We got this. 

Ok now I am nervous but I am going to go pee!!! Wish me luck and I will let you know in next post if I did do compulsions.