The only good thing about dealing with comorbid disorders alongside OCD is that I get a break from the incessant chatter of OCD and its grab. Of course, its still not the best feeling ever, because just although it might not be OCD, depression is its own monster of its own.

I really hate this time of the year; largely became this way since I widowed four years ago. I feel lots of apathy, loneliness, hopelessness and just overall emotions, feelings and thoughts that just seem to suck the life out of me the same way OCD does. I feel like a Jehova’s Witness, not celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

But what can I say? I just don’t have the zest anymore. My sweet husband, Ryan had his motorcycle accident on Christmas Eve and I had to unhook him on December 30th. Fuck the holidays. I hate them. I know, I know, its really difficult being a mom because I do not want to ruin anything for my son. I do my best.

I am so grateful that I have preschool for my son because he at least does fun holiday things there and it keeps me on my toes to participate. When you are a widow, especially to a husband you believe is your soulmate, it’s really hard to find desire and motivation to see the excitement in life or the color in life. Things lost its meaning.

I am constantly wrestling with this because I feel like a bad mom that I feel like this. My feelings of self loathing creep up because I feel that having the beautiful son I have should be that desire and motivation. But it is hard to explain. It is simply so so hard raising my son without the love of my life. That’s all I am going to say for now. And of course Lucas is my world, and he is my light. I just would be lying if I said the heaviness is gone.

To anyone out there who is a parent and struggling with grief or just in general mental illness, may you and I be kind on ourselves for what we feel and how we navigate everything. Do not beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. Focus on the fact that you are doing what you can to be the best version of yourself for your child and for yourself. I promise, that ALSO counts. We can’t compare ourselves to what other people expect or think of. Be kind to yourself by honoring every part of you including the dark parts and the suffering. Whether that is suffering caused by OCD, depression, grief or all of the above.

I got highly triggered by a number of posts my in-laws posted on FB about missing my husband. Not sure how to explain it but it was SO hard for me to read them due to a mixture of things: reminder of my sad reality, denial, anger and resentment. I may or may not explain more in other posts but one of the reasons I just feel so depressed is the fact that such sadness is expressed for my husband, yet it feels like I have not heard from them these last 4 years of passing.

It has been hard to be without my husband Ryan for 4 years, raising my son without him , and having to go in and out of the hospital, I just do not understand where they have been all this time? I think its one of those things I will never understand about human behavior.

I am just angry. Is it sincere? I also feel guilty bc I have been off social media A LOT these past years Ryan has left and I am not a fan of posting my feelings publicly a lot, because I feel it is performative. So when I see all of them keep posting how much they miss him on their status and just FB, it makes me feel paranoid and just triggered that they are trying to say that their pain is greater than mine.

But hey, I also remind myself that on top of the doubting disease I have with my OCD, I have bipolar depression with borderline tendencies. It is definitely hard not to get triggered. And to add on to it, losing the life of your life? Is a whole “nother” layer of pain that I can’t even explain, other than it is a wife’s worst nightmare.